Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
