I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
