one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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