Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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