I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
