I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
