Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
