I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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