Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He felt like a one man threesome
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
