Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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