the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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