I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
