Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you had me at cake vodka
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
