I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
