I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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