I met the friendliest cop last night
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
