i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
