My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
