A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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