i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
