An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
