I accidentally had phone sex last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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