please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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