We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
