I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
