I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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