my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
