I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
