I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
