so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
