I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
