Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
