I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
