Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
