Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
