woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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