I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
