someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
