called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
