I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
