you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
