I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
