sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
