I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
