I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
