His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
