We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
