you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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