Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
