i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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