A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
