Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
